Okay, I won't deny it. The reason I like Ryan Gosling is almost entirely to do with his approach to sex scenes. Which is probably some method actor intense Stanislovsky thing where he immerses himself in a vagina for a year just to get it right, I know. But that's not how it comes across. To me, his sex scenes - even the tame PG-13 ones - come across like he's literally trying to kill the actress in question with sex.
And when I say literally, I mean literally. None of this half-assed figuratively bullshit. He's got laserbeams in his eyes and his cock is probably made out of Mount Doom, and he's attempting actual destruction of whoever he's in the scene with. He won't be satisfied until they're reduced to molten lava, by the sheer force of his intense raging passion.
Members of the camera crew were actually injured while filming his sex scenes in Blue Valentine, when Michelle Williams exploded. Swear to God. Rachel McAdams isn't actually alive anymore - they just cloned her out of the ash he reduced her to and what you're really looking at when you watch Morning Glory is something made out of a sheep and some leftover Molly Ringwald.
All of which suggests that I shouldn't really love Ryan Gosling. I mean, he's a lethal weapon. My vagina starts threatening meltdown just watching him through a TV screen - so Lord knows what volcanic pressures these poor actresses are under.
And it's not just his ability to telepathically control my nethers through the TV, like Sadako from Ring only orsum. There are a lot of very fierce things about Ryan Gosling that should probably frighten me.
Even though they totally don't. They don't. In fact, nothing about Ryan Gosling frightens me, and I think that's probably because he once played the sweetest, most innocent person to ever be in love with a sex doll.
I don't even know how that's possible, frankly. I saw that sex doll documentary, okay? I'm an erotic writer, and even I found them a little much to take. But not only is Ryan utterly orsum in Lars and the Real Girl, not only does he make it seem lovely to be in love with a sex doll, he's also still completely and massively sexy.
In fact, I think he's actually sexier than normal, in Lars. I desire his moustache, in it. I love his hair. I want to live in the cold with him, wrapped up in the million coats he probably has. Doesn't that sound like bliss? To be wrapped up in coats, with an intense but utterly sweet and innocent Ryan Gosling?
I think it does. And hey, if one day I managed to gently coax the volcano out of him and he ended up turning me to molten lava...well, that's okay.
I'd love him anyway.