- Cries in anguished horror over his tortured, holocaust surviving, mind-fooked life. In some cases, he commits this crying while hugging another man. Now, I realise that many people do not find a crying man sexy. Many people also do not find a man hugging another man sexy. However, I am not one of those people. I wanted to steal his tears and keep them inside my underpants, like the horrifying witch from some story about children who are stolen from their beds and kept in gingerbread cages.
- Wears a skintight wetsuit. Michael Fassbender is a skilled artiste at the dance form known as Porn Bending. You do the math, here.
- Wears sweatpants. I fully admit that there is no math you could do for this one. Even I'm not sure why a man in sweatpants just does it for me. I think it's about the way something might dangle within the forbidden recesses of such loose fitting and comfortable material. Sweatpants lure men into a false sense of security. They think nothing's showing and then BAM. Giant swinging cock for all to see.
- Hunts Nazis like a Boss. Surely no explanation is needed for this. All I wanted to do after the movie was finished was see it's sequel: "Here Are The Ten Nazis You Didn't See Him Kill, In Even More Inventive Ways Than The Ones Who've Just Been On". Of course I realise this title is completely impractical, but it's just a working one, okay? In reality, Fox can call it something like "Magnetic Vengeance" or "Fookin' Nazis" or "When I'm Mad I Become Irish" or summat.
- Makes googly love eyes at Charles Xavier. Now, if you had told me three years ago that pretty soon, I'd be wetting my panties over the thought of Magneto and Professor X falling madly in love, I'd have wondered if you were subscribed to Old Men Monthly. I mean, Patrick Stewart's pretty sexy. And Ian McKellan's not that bad. But you can't escape the fact that they are elderly. 72 is a little past the place I'm prepared to go to. Where as Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy are both in the prime of life. Even if Fassbender occasionally looks 64.
All of which I think adequately sums up why I'm spending my time trawling the internet for suspect pr0n featuring Erik doing stuff to the various members of the X-Men. Especially that one mutant. You know - that weird one in the corner, whose power is intense chocolate consumption and the ability to watch a load of terrible sitcoms all night long.
And maybe some other power that's going to lure him in, too, like...I dunno. Vagina Eyes? Yeah, my mutant power is Vagina Eyes. Take THAT, Erik Lehnsherr.